I got home on Tuesday night in time to put my daughter Eloise to bed because my wife had to go out to a meeting. We had a nice time playing in her nursery. She’s started to walk, supported by a little trolley of bricks and her teeth are less painful as two top front teeth have emerged – in time for her first birthday as her mother said. She didn’t like her bath much – she spent most of the time stood up trying to pull the plug out – but she had fun in her own way.
After putting her to sleep I picked up her dirty nappy which made me reflect on how ‘I’d do anything for her’ (sorry for thinking in cliches) and also that she wouldn’t really understand until she had children of her own – but that she wouldn’t understand that fact until she did.
I got downstairs and got a text from my wife. The nanny was sick and wouldn’t be able to look after Eloise on Wednesday. I was in a panic. Karen had meetings all day and I had two really important meetings. Neither of us were going to compromise so we needed to find someone else. We did, finally (my Dad) at 11.30pm. We were getting pretty desparate at one point and wondering where else we could turn but I didn’t feel particularly good when I checked on her on my way to bed.
It felt so wrong. Only minutes earlier I’d been thinking that I’d do anything for my daughter and here I was desparately trying to get her off my hands on anyone I could get hold of – just to go to a couple of meetings. They weren’t any old meetings and I’m still pleased that I went (and delighted that she got to spend time with my Dad and that he could step in).
I’ve always tried to balance the various calls on my time (Karen, work, LFC, family, Labour etc) but some times you have to let people down to do everything you want. And you can never explain it properly to your children (or if you can, I haven’t found the way).
I’m writing this because fatherhood is great – but I rarely hear about the difficult moments so feel a duty just to express how it feels when it’s difficult and when you let them down.
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